i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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