So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
