So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
