i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
