mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
