Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
