Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
