he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
