Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
MIDGETS
????
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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