Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
