Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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