she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
