how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
