youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
