I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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