if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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