Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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