My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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