Your dad touched me again.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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