i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
