Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
