well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
