You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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