Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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