The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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