Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
