How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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