a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
