Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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