guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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