there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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