I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
