i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
