Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
