Say something about gay babies.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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