for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
