I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
