the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
