hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
