well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
