Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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