Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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