weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
