Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
