I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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