I wannas sexs uuuuu
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
