Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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