Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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