Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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