It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
