I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
