i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
