I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
