TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Come on in and take your pants off
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